If it’s today.

I want to take a moment and remember
The other “first days”
and “day ones”

I don’t think we often know exactly.
It’s more of a dawning
a creeping in of news stories
background noise that swells until it drowns us


but really, despite the fact that there have been several
in my life, there are only a handful of realizations

No formal declarations in my lifetime
That isn’t how it’s done anymore
Just trending topics
Hashtags and photos that need content notes
and bipartisan bickering
and of course empty promises and threats

and fear

He called me from sleep, told me to get my glasses, a tower had fallen
I didn’t understand but I never got dressed that day
I sat by a rotating fan and watched TV, watched the replay for weeks
Occasionally rousing myself to finish planning the move to the new city, the new chapter of my life
It seemed wrong and yet important that we keep the plans we made
Country music swelled with hate but I prefered the “where were you when the world stopped turning” song
and sang it
without words, letting the melody carry as I packed and mourned and waited for what would happen next

The first gulf war was heralded on TV with breathless pomp
It broke into Wheel of Fortune
and we ran in, meatloaf left on plates in the dinning room
I was in 5th grade
they taught us to sing “To Everything, There is a Season” and I worried about my uncles in uniform
My cousins and I recorded a radio show on cassette tapes, where we parroted our parents
Mixed platitudes with sound bites from KGO’s radio voices

And wondered why it even mattered

I was in college when the second PG war became real
I had gone to the marches,
Held the candles
Shaken my head and muttered and argued on message boards (no such thing as Facebook)
But then one day a friend called
his voice a stone on the phone
Adam was dead. Killed in uniform
And my bitching about homework and lack of diet coke at the campus deli was
wisps of smoke
I sat on my bed and sang “dust in the wind” until I couldn’t cry anymore.

Today my daughter is sick.
Today I wrote about systemic racism. I listened to podcasts. I weeded and in my zealousness I pulled out gentle dainty lily plants
Today I read about Syria

It’s the begining, they say.

But we all know better.

Syria war: US launches missile strikes following chemical ‘attack’

Published by kayliametcalfe

Queer,loudmouth,skeptical-agnostic-pagan,book addict,coffee lover,wine drinker, SAHM,writer,editor,producer,podcaster. -She/her

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