Notes From the Front Lines

It happened.

There were times before where I know I got close, but today it happened.

I reached the end of my rope.

And then I became someone I never wanted to become; a Mommy Monster.

I yelled. I held her too tight, I let her drop from my arms onto the bed below. I yelled. I stomped my feet. I sobbed.

I was not the best version of myself. I wasn’t even the mediocre version of myself.

I was a horrible red faced sweating cursing evil end of my rope version of myself.

Would it matter if I told you that this fit was edging into it’s second full hour of screaming? No.  Or how many times I had tried to calm her down? No… because she is the toddler and I am the adult and I didn’t act like an adult. At least not like an adult I would feel good about leaving my child with.

I am full of loathing. For myself and my actions. For my inability to cope with a child who is almost as stubborn as I am. For my lack of patience.

I look at her now, eating her peas and glancing up at me while I type.

She is still flushed from the fight, her hair is matted, teas still on her face.

A perfect reflection of myself.

I wipe my eyes.

Ella, I say, trying to keep my voice calm and without cracks.

Ella, I’m sorry I was not a good version of myself. I should not have yelled at you.

Yeah, she says, her voice small. I’m sorry you yelled at me too.

What about all the yelling you did to me? I want to … yell. But I don’t.

Umm, what about your fit, I ask, are you sorry about that.

She shrugs.

And now, because it has been a while and because I called a fellow mom and cried and because I have taken my requisite number of deep breaths, and because I am the adult, I close my eyes for a moment and feel my rope of patience, the rope of every moment is a teaching moment, the rope of sanity un-spool itself from around my neck and stretch out before me.

Would you like more peas?

Yes, and can I have more water please?

Yes.

Published by kayliametcalfe

Queer,loudmouth,skeptical-agnostic-pagan,book addict,coffee lover,wine drinker, SAHM,writer,editor,producer,podcaster. -She/her

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