A Pause

Dear friends.
As some of you noticed, there was no “Show Me…” entry this week.
In fact there wasn’t anything from me this week.
I hope to be back up and actively participating in life again this week… been having a bit of a hard time lately.
There isn’t one particular thing.
It isn’t a matter of sleep deprivation
Or body image issues
Or a persistent cold
Or Ella’s teething
Or Ella’s persistent cold
Or Ella’s night terrors, growing pains, who the hell knows but she isn’t sleeping…..
Or feeling overwhelmed with this motherhood thing
This author thing
This fiancé planning a wedding thing.
It is all of that
And
It is the news that a beloved family member is dying of cancer.
It is the frustration of ignorant people doing ignorant and hurtful things
It is watching friends be preyed on by scam artists and having those friends be so desperate that they fall for the scam.
It is being a part time babysitter for an active little boy (fun but exhausting)
And
It is the bad dreams
The weight of decisions based on untold variables, blood work, and questions I don’t even know how to ask … let alone answer.
It is the stories in my head, swimming bits and pieces… flotsam that cannot be ignored but is never fully given enough attention to be dismissed.
It is the headache that has been with me for a week now… sinus? Allergy? Stress? Does It even matter?
It is the vendors who don’t want to support the LGBT community
It is frustration of feeling trapped because there is nowhere to go
And no way to get there.
It’s the broken dryer

It is an asshole who stole our laundry basket
And our laundry

It is the hangnail and the blister
It is the weeds and the crust in the sink and the dirt on the floor and the crud in the toilet and the spiderweb under the chair and the dust on the shelf and the lint on the carpet and the dirt on the windows and the hair in the drain.

It is all of this
And none of this
And I just couldn’t bring myself to type anything last week.
No words in the story
No photos for the blog
No phrases or fragments to figure out later
Nothing
I feel empty even as I eat my fill of Easter candy
I feel restless even as my muscles beg for sleep
I feel apathetic even as I watch Ella play or smile or coo.
And then of course, I feel guilty.
I’m not sure exactly what’s wrong, and I don’t have the energy to figure it out.
So
Soon
Sooner rather than later, I promise.
I’ll jump back up, rally the troops of my motivation, put on my mask and
Make it work
Fake it till it’s real
Plug away
Just keep swimming swimming swimming

Maybe tomorrow.

We’ll see

Published by kayliametcalfe

Queer,loudmouth,skeptical-agnostic-pagan,book addict,coffee lover,wine drinker, SAHM,writer,editor,producer,podcaster. -She/her

2 thoughts on “A Pause

  1. \”Life. Don't talk to me about life.\” -Marvin. This all sounds very familiar to me, except for 10x so, as I cannot imagine what it might be like caring for a small human on top of everything else. I could use a break myself, and I'm glad you're taking one. I will look forward to the continuation of the Show Me Project when you're up for it. Hang in there, Lady! You're doing a great job. Indeed, keep swimming, swimming, swimming.Hugs to you!

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