Reclaiming My Breasts

The end is nigh for Ella and my breastfeeding days.

I’m still trying but she has become more and more adamant that she doesn’t want boob, she wants bottle.

To the point where I’m lucky if she will give me a full 30 seconds of latch before she spits me out and weeps at the unfairness of having to wait for her bottle.

I try. I try every day. I try multiple times a day. I try multiple times a feeding.

But no.

She know what she wants, and she wants the bottle.

Of formula.

Pumping just doesn’t seem to work for us.

So, yeah.

I keep wondering, Is today the day I admit that this isn’t working and move on?

I was about to write “give up” but really, that has such a negative connotation .. and I don’t think of it as “giving up” and failing, I think of it as listening to her and to my body and accepting that things have changed.

Someday soon, it will be that day.

And I’m really ok with that.

I’m tired of fighting her, I’m tired of the question of will she or won’t she, I’m tired of the pain of breastfeeding on the rare occasion when she sucks for a whole five minutes before rejecting me.

I’m tired of feeling rejected.

And you know what else? I’m tired of my bras not fitting.

My nursing bras are way too big now, my regular bras are too small. Going without is not a -comfortable- option. So, yeah… I’m looking forward to being able to wear my bras again, my non-nursing tops again, etc.

I miss my bras. I spent a fair bit of time and energy collecting a nice variety of comfy and pretty and sexy and pretty bras.

Will I miss breastfeeding? I don’t think so.

And yet, despite all my grumbling, I keep putting off the actual quitting.

But I know it is coming.


Published by kayliametcalfe

Queer,loudmouth,skeptical-agnostic-pagan,book addict,coffee lover,wine drinker, SAHM,writer,editor,producer,podcaster. -She/her

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