They say the worst part of not knowing is what you think might be. If you have an active imagination, you have it worse than your dull minded counterparts.
You realize one afternoon that what you had planned for today isn’t happening.
When the realization that your period is late arrives, you worry.
You wait but you are more worried than patient and you buy a pregnancy test. It is negative, you sigh a hug sigh of relief. Until your body continues to act in ways it shouldn’t, namely it does not do what you want it to.
You let another day go by and then another. You start to doubt the test. You start to think about “what if….”
You take another test and again the negative result makes you glad for an instant until you realize that at least a positive answer would be an answer and you are stuck here still with the not knowing.
You carry a pad around in your left front pocket. You are ready. You try not to think about it. You can think about nothing else.
You go to the doctor. You take yet another pregnancy test. You feel that you have gotten really good at peeing in cups and keeping your chin up. You stare at your body in the mirror and flinch at every gastrointestinal flinching. You wait.
They say stress. They say fluke. They say new method of birth control that you can only start after your body resets itself. They say to wait.
They say slightly odd blood work. They say potential thyroid problems.
You count the seven then eight days past the day you first noticed that something was not quite right.
Maybe you dream about a life you didn’t want nine days ago but now doesn’t seem so bad. You might feel guilty even though you know that’s stupid.
You feel alone.