Part Two

Part Two

In the rain that morning I considered what I would eventually say about the whole thing.

An adult in charge of her destiny, there was suddenly the absence of the expected. Afraid for more reasons than I could even count, I had to know. I put it off as long as I could somehow getting through the days at work, with the sense that everything was about to change.

I had walked the streets of Tokyo with a heaviness in my breasts and an a hunger that no bowl of rice could sate. I came home expecting to bask in the glow of vacation for weeks and instead was plunged into fear and loss…. and now memories of Tokyo are shadowed by the memories of pain and cramps and an moving shadow on the ultrasound. We clung to one another and cried even though inwardly we both were secretly relieved. A miscarriage is so much easier to talk about in the long run. It took me almost a year but I can say the words out loud. And this time there is no guilt. This time there is no ghost.

This morning I got out of bed at ten after five, having realized that there would be no sleep until there was an answer.

Then I sat on the couch waiting for the courage to take a test I wanted to fail.

Published by kayliametcalfe

Queer,loudmouth,skeptical-agnostic-pagan,book addict,coffee lover,wine drinker, SAHM,writer,editor,producer,podcaster. -She/her

One thought on “Part Two

  1. I have read and re-read this post and each time my heart aches for you. You have clouded memories of Tokyo, I have similar memories of New Zealand yet you have managed to express the emotional so beautifully yet full of pain and heartbreak. I have now read Part 3 and again I wonder if you are writing about me and realise I am not brave enough to go to the store to get a test, I sit here in fear, not knowing what I want, or knowing that what I want is what I don't need. Thinking of you. Take care.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: